A place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light

2016 mosaic2016.  What can I say about this disaster of a year that others haven’t already said.  I think most people got to the end of December a bit shell shocked and worn out.  I’m certainly one of them.

My entire year was defined by my Dad’s illness and his sudden, unexpected death.  It’s hard to explain the impact this has had on me since January.  I’ve felt an undercurrent of sadness in everything I do and at times, it’s been extremely hard to motivate myself.   I’ve cancelled a few things, particularly recently, and weekends have mostly been spent in PJs on the sofa.  If I didn’t have to go to work, I’d quite happily stay under the duvet.

The past month has been particularly hard, so I decided to shield myself from it all and not celebrate Christmas.  It was absolutely the best decision I could have made.   I stayed at home on Christmas day and spent a few hours on my own whilst Husband visited his family – I had a nice bath, made myself cosy, and binge-watched Divorce.  SJP heals all.  I was in a non-festive bubble and was so grateful to Husband for allowing me some time on my own, even though he wanted to spend the day with me.

The mosaic above shows that there were rays of light in the otherwise dark year.  Trips to Brighton, Exeter, Wales, Scotland, and Miami; seeing Adam and Joe and Louis Theroux; lots of shopping including my first Tatty Devine sample sale.  It’s times like this that I’m grateful for my Project 365 giving me the opportunity to remember the good things.

I’ve also been listening to Cariad Lloyd‘s podcast, Griefcast, and have taken some comfort from Adam Buxton talking about his Dad’s death a year ago.  He talks about how he too feels his grief all the time, just at a low level, always there.  It was a hard podcast to listen to in places, but having been worried about how low I’ve been feeling, it was reassuring to hear that it’s all pretty normal.  At times, it does overwhelm me and that undercurrent is going to stick around for a bit but that’s ok.

So I start 2017 with a few things on the horizon, and with more of an understanding about what I need to get myself through them.  I’m not going to pretend that just because it’s a new year, everything will be magically better because it won’t be, but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my whole world has changed.

2016, you sucked, but I’m cautiously optimistic that 2017 will be better.

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